Sitting, Waiting, Wishing
by greymind
Summary: Rewrote the ending of 17 Seconds...nobody gets shot and no wires are cut. The final chapter is up. Will Burke be alive? Thanks for the reviews! Check out More Than Coffee and Bang's Anatomy for more fic and info on CristinaBurke.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

_Emergency Room Seattle Grace_

She is really angry this time. Choosing George is one thing but Alex. That's more than she can take. Competition means everything to an intern. Burke knows that. If he wants to keep punishing her, that's his choice but she does not have to take it. She does not have to stand for it. That is not Cristina Yang. That is not why she spent years earning degrees. To be punished by some guy. Not even if that guy is Preston Burke. So what if she loves him. Love has its limits and even he is not worth her self respect. She's going to tell him that it's over. Bitter. That's what her patient called her. Bitter is better than stupid. He had some nerve. Telling her all of those things she never thought she wanted to hear. Making those words she always believed were meaningless have meaning. How dare he fill those empty words with love, making her want them. Need them. Maybe she won't end it. Maybe she'll try to talk to him instead. Looking at her watch, she's sure that Burke and Alex are back in the hospital by now. It's been hours and he has a habit of harvesting organs quickly because it is not something he particularly likes doing. At least Izzie should be happy since Denny is on his way to having a new heart. She smiles thinking of Alex having to help Izzie's new boyfriend. Serves him right. Men are such asses.

"Heads up Yang. There's a trauma coming in. It's surgical unless the guy's already dead. This is the ER. Pay attention if you want to keep up." The doctor doesn't even pause as he hurries past her.

Looking up from the chart she's been pretending to write in for the past 15 minutes, Cristina notices there's a lot more going on in the ER. She must have been daydreaming longer than she thought. Closing her chart, she runs after the doctor "I'm ready. What's coming in?"

"Helicopter" The nurse was busy gathering supplies.

"A helicopter crash." Trying to control her grin, a wide eyed Cristina leans closer to the nurse "Seriously?"

The nurse is amused by Cristina's enthusiasm. She's seen it a hundred times with a hundred different interns. "Yeah. We don't get too many traumas like this so enjoy it."

"Wow. What a great day to be in the ER!" After the crappy day she's had, Cristina can't wait to get into the OR. 

"Everyday is a good day in the ER Yang." The ER intern walks by her and Cristina looks over her shoulder remembering, as she does every time she works in the pit, why Bailey has little respect for E.R. interns.

Cristina is giddy as she puts on a gown to await the arrival of the crash victims. She's smiling from ear to ear "This is so much better than a harvest. Burke and Alex can keep their heart."

"You get that you're sick right?"

Cristina turns around to see Meredith staring at her with a disapproving look and a bag of chips "Whatever, you're just jealous that you're stuck with the SheSheppard."

Meredith tosses Cristina the chips and ties the back of her gown. "At least the SheSheppard has all of her parts. Do you realize what these patients are going to look like?"

"Oh yeah! That's why I'm excited. That's why I'm a surgeon. To fix all of the mangled parts so they're all nice and pretty again. Well, less mangled anyway."

Meredith shakes her head. She is always amazed at how excited Cristina gets over bloody body parts. You would think Cristina's the one whose mom is the surgeon.

"You know they probably won't even be alive when they get here. You don't have much chance of surviving a helicopter crash."

Cristina looks in the chip bag as if she's searching for just the right one to eat "Actually half of all medical helicopter crashes have at least one survivor."

Meredith is speechless, surprised that Cristina knows anything about helicopter crashes.

"What? Harvests. Helicopters. Medical journals."

"You're out of control." Meredith takes her chips back and walks away from a laughing Cristina. She doesn't get very far before she sees the Chief and Bailey speaking with the E.D. attending and two police officers.

Believing she's been passed over one too many times by her boyfriend, Cristina heads outside. She's making sure that she gets in on this surgery. She'll show Burke. She doesn't need him to get good OR time.

"Dr. Bailey, why is everyone down here?" Meredith knows that the level of activity in the ER is higher than usual. There are a lot of doctors but not many patients, and, most of those are leftovers from the restaurant shooting. 

Bailey walks towards her "Why are you down here?"

"I came down to tell Cristina something but was just on my way up to meet  
Dr. Sheppard." Meredith knows she's not doing anything wrong but the Nazi had a way of making the interns feel guilty even when they were innocent.

Bailey looks suspicious.

"Addison Sheppard." Meredith smiles weakly. She has never fully recovered from her embarrassment when Bailey caught her kissing McDreamy in the car.

"Oh, okay. Look, the helicopter that crashed had multiple passengers and they need all available surgeons to assist so you stay. That's why the Chief and I are here. The survivors, if there are any, will have sustained severe injuries. Did you say Yang was still down here?"

"Yeah," Meredith looks around "She probably went outside. She's determined to get in on the trauma. She's still upset that Dr. Burke took Alex on the harvest instead of her."

Seeing Bailey's expression, Meredith immediately knows she gave too much information and braces herself for the resident's irritated response.

All she gets is silence. 

"Dr. Bailey? Is everything okay?" Meredith has never seen Bailey silent.

Bailey sighs looking over to the ambulance bay doors and speaking in a soft voice "She's not going to want to see this."

"What?" Meredith doesn't understand why she would say that about Cristina. Of all the interns, Cristina is least likely to be upset by a patient's injuries.

The Chief walks over to them, his voice missing its usual confident tone "It's confirmed."

Bailey feels her stomach drop "Grey, go get Cristina."

"But Dr. Bailey…"

"Meredith. Go." Bailey knows using her first name signals that there is no time to explain because, yes, there is a problem.

Meredith is alarmed by Bailey's use of her first name. Without another word, she makes her way towards the door to get Cristina. Something is very wrong. There are too many people around for something not to be wrong. 

"Cristina you need to come inside."

Glancing over her shoulder, Cristina has other plans "Yeah, right. I spent the day babysitting dysfunctional lovebirds. Nothing is stopping me from getting into the OR."

"Cristina I'm serious. Bailey wants you." Meredith is standing so close to the automatic doors that they will not shut.

"Tell her you couldn't find me."

"Seriously?"

Rolling her eyes, Cristina walks over to explain again "Look Mer. If I don't get in on one of these surgeries I'm going to lose it. Do you really want to be responsible for that?"

Seeing the determination on Cristina's face, Meredith grabs her arm and drags her inside. 

"What is your problem?" Cristina is yelling at Meredith as they reach the nurse's desk where the Chief, Bailey and Sheppard are standing. Meredith is even more concerned seeing McDreamy in the ER.

"Found her." Meredith gives Bailey a quick toothless smile as Cristina, frustrated and confused, yanks her arm away.

"What is going on?" Cristina is annoyed that she might miss another shot to get into the OR today. She looks at Meredith then back to the group in front of her.

Sheppard and Bailey both look at the Chief then back to Cristina who is standing there impatiently waiting. Her curls falling out of their clip and onto her face.

"What?" A little calmer, Cristina begins to realize that the faces of the surgeons that she works with each day are different. At that moment, she sees worry in all of their eyes. They're not supposed to look like that. She's used to seeing confidence in those eyes.

The Chief clears his throat "Cristina. The helicopter that crashed is one of Seattle Grace's."

"What?" Cristina doesn't know why she asked a question. She heard exactly what he said.

Taking a deep breath, the Chief continues with sadness in his voice "The one coming back from Mercy West."

"Mercy…" Cristina is not able to finish her sentence. Feeling Meredith place a hand on her shoulder, she swallows and looks down at her feet as she tries to hold back tears. Trying to think of another reason they'd be telling her this.

"Yes." Baileys tone is soft. It's not the tone of the Nazi. It's the caring tone of a parent.

Cristina looks up, her breaths are deeper, more frequent as her hope reveals itself "Oh. There was a second helicopter up today?"

"Cristina"

She laughs, confidently, brushing her hair off of her face, "Burke's back. The harvest doesn't take that long. He got back hours ago."

Cristina turns to Meredith and shakes her head "Mer, it's a mistake." Burke's upstairs operating on Denny's heart is the thought running through her head. He had to be back already.

Biting the inside of her lip, Cristina watches as none of the surgeons say a single word. Her eyes scan their faces, begging them to say something. Anything. Their silence tells her everything. Burke isn't upstairs in the OR. Denny doesn't have his heart. They don't need to say anything.

The Chief confirms what their faces have been telling her "There was only one Mercy West trip today." 

"But…" Suddenly she can't focus. She's trying but she can't. She feels her hand touch the desk as she braces herself. Feels her feet moving but she's not going anywhere. Her face feels hot and the pressure behind her eyes is even greater now.

"We're still trying to find out what happened. There is a lot of confusion. We do know that there is at least one survivor." The Chief has seen and done a lot of things in his career, many of them very unpleasant, but he has never had to do anything as painful as this.

Meredith whispers to Cristina "You were right. He could be that one." 

Meredith is stunned. She cannot imagine what Cristina is feeling. None of them can. Burke is important to all of them in different ways. A friend, a surgeon, a mentor, a colleague but he is everything to Cristina.

A/N: Hope that you enjoyed the story. If you're interested in reading more Bang fics that are not posted here visit http/s15. The More Than Coffee Message Board is a very active forum focused on discussing the characters of Cristina Yang and Preston Burke.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO**

_Emergency Room SGH_

He's the survivor, he has to be.

She can't remember ever wanting something so desperately. No award, no competition, no surgery. She would give up all of her wins, if only she can have this. She can yell at him for being an ass. They can be together.

Meredith waits at the desk with Cristina who has remained calm and quiet since hearing the news about Burke, but, Meredith knows she will not stay that way. Experience has shown that there is a limit to how long Cristina can maintain her composure, and, she always reaches that limit sooner when Burke is involved. Meredith has no idea what she will say to comfort Cristina when the time comes. As a surgeon, she comforts families everyday, but, standing beside her best friend, those compassionate words seem empty and cold.She can't help but think that Burke would be the better person to do this.

"What about Alex?"

Meredith's voice sounds far away, reminding Cristina that she should have been the one with Burke not Alex. At least with the bomb they were together. Cristina looks over her shoulder from where she is leaning on the desk.

Wanting to avoid the fear in the young intern's eyes, the Chief focuses on Meredith. He is hesitant to speak, knowing that his answer will only lead to more questions.

"Karev wasn't on the chopper. Neither was the heart."

"What?" Cristina cannot hide the confusion on her face as she walks over to the Chief.

"Preston was coming back to check on some tests." The steadiness of the Chief's voice conceals his own internal struggle. In the past hour, he has had to accept that the best he can expect is for his top surgeon to return to his hospital as a patient who can be saved. Men in his position are expected to lead no matter what the circumstance. They are expected to manage their own fears and the fears of those around him in a way that allows their departments to maintain business as usual. With Preston hurt and the five of them in the ER, his department is not even close to normal, and, he needs to be able to get his surgeons back into his ORs as soon as he can. In these moments, he denies himself the luxury of feeling what is going on so that he can manage the damage.

Cristina stares at the floor as her mind strains beneath the crush of foreign emotion to process what the Chief has told her. Needing to do something, she begins to pace, shaking her head in disbelief. No matter how many times she replays the Chief's words she does not understand why Burke would come back for test results. That's what interns are for.

"Tests? He came back to look at tests. Seriously?" Cristina's words have a familiar edge to them.

Bailey's eyes are fixed on her intern standing defiantly before the Chief. When they first heard the news about the crash, Webberneeded to act quickly. In an attempt at containment, he informed only she and Shepherd that Burke was involved in the accident. Bailey because of the connection she had with Cristina and Shepherd because his relationship with Cristina was all business giving him an emotional distance that the others lacked. Everyone was upset and no one was sure how Cristina would react. They were a private couple, and, what little anyone knew about the pair they assumed from observing them at the hospital and the single fact that they lived together. The decision was made to tell Cristina in the ER where there would be more people. They believed that the situation could be better contained in the ER. The last thing any of them needed was for hysteria to sweep through the surgical department. The Chief was certain that, no matter how upset she was on the inside, Cristina would not permit herself to lose control around the patients or the doctors and nurses she worked with in the ER. Bailey was not so sure.

"It doesn't make any sense. Why would Burke come all of the way back without the heart?" Cristina refuses to give up, determined for something to make sense.

The Chief is amazed by the strength he hears in her voice as she challenges him to prove to her that Burke was on the helicopter. He hopes that she is able to control her emotions as well as he thinks.

Recognizing the look in their eyes, Cristina feels her heart sink. It is the exact same look a surgeon gives a family after they deliver the news that a loved one has died then, out of obligation, stay to bear witness to the emotions that follow. She always thought of it as empathy but it's clear to her now that it is pity. She hated pity but today she doesn't care. Today she needs to figure out how one minute she's breaking up with Burke and, the next, the helicopter he's not supposed to be in crashes with him on board. She needs to know.

"Cristina," watching her best friend, it is clear to Meredith that the walls around her emotions are starting to crumble.

"No…Meredith…there's no reason. Mercy West is over an hour away. It is a waste of time. Chief, this doesn't make any sense. It would have taken Burke over two hours to get back to harvest the heart."

Cristina's speech is becoming louder and pressured as she continues, her composure wearing away, "That's too long. Right? Dr. Bailey? Denny would lose the heart. That's not how it's supposed to happen. Burke always follows the rules."

Bailey watches as the reaction she feared becomes a reality. Cristina's control is based on logic and, in the absence of logic, it is unreasonable to expect that she can maintain her usual level of control over her emotions. In the absence of that control, she is as human as anyone else.

Shepherd walks over to where Cristina is standing "Cristina, I know…"

Turning around to face Shepherd, Cristina's hands and voice are raised, "No! You don't. You have no idea. Was the person you love on that helicopter? No, she's…," she stops herself as her eyes dart between Meredith and Shepherd then covers her face with her hands as she backs away.

Derek looks at Meredith, Meredith looks away stunned by both Cristina's reference to her and her public admission that she loves Burke. She feels helpless seeing Cristina, who always went to great lengths to mask her pain, unraveling in front of strangers and colleagues.

"Dr. Yang, you need to control yourself. We are not the enemy!" The Chief's words sound much firmer and louder than he intends but he will not allow her to lose control. He cannot lose control of this situation.

Cristina is barely listening, her mind overwhelmed by desperation as her eyes scan his face, "Are you certain he was on the helicopter? I mean Alex is his intern. Burke wouldn't leave his intern. You wouldn't just leave an intern. If Alex wasn't…then he…"

She hated it when families asked the same questions over and over again no matter how many times she told them the same answer. She always thought it was ridiculous but now she can think of nothing else to do as she is driven by this intense need, not a want but a need, to make sure it's not a mistake. She needs to make certain that nobody's made a mistake.

"Cristina," Bailey's voice is soft as she touches her elbow "come with me."

Immediately, Cristina moves her arm away and Bailey's heart breaks for her. For the first time she understands, that mixed in with all of that snarkiness there exists pieces of an optimist. With all that Cristina knows, here she stands searching for hope.

Aware that patients and ER staff are watching her, she clings to what is left of her emotional control, "Are you sure? Maybe Burke stayed back and sent someone else."

"Dr. Yang"

The firmness and formality in Derek Shepherd's voice shocks Bailey, Webber and Grey as they watch Cristina turn to him, her eyes still full of fight.

"We are sure. Dr. Burke is not answering his pager or his cell phone. Alex confirmed he and the pilot were the only ones on that helicopter. I'm sorry."

There is no more room for questions as Derek's words force Cristina's mind to listen to what her heart refused to hear. He can only watch as his words chase away the last of her hope that Preston is safe, that he was not involved in the accident. He watches as her lips move to protest without making a single sound and tears well up in her eyes displacing the fight that was there only moments ago. Derek had seen many things when those eyes looked at him but not once had he seen tears.

Looking at Shepherd, Cristina can think of no other point to argue, no other reason to hope that Burke is okay. The only thing left to do is sit and wait to hear whether or not he is the survivor. With unsteady legs, she moves towards a chair and fights to hold back the tears that are threatening to overtake her. It is the only thing left to fight for, the only thing left to control.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

"I knew Yang could handle this. Look at her sitting there calm, controlled. This is exactly why she's going to be an excellent surgeon."

Resting his chin on his fist as he speaks to Shepherd and Bailey at the nurse's station, the Chief's attention remains focused on a motionless Cristina sitting along the wall with Meredith. It seems as if hours have passed since the beginning of this nightmare.

From his spot next to Webber, Shepherd looks over at Cristina, feeling badly for her, fearing what she will have to deal with, what they all will have to deal with in the coming hours, "She's a very strong woman, very disciplined."

Shepherd respects Cristina in spite of being well aware that she stopped respecting him months ago. She is smart, fiesty, Meredith's best friend, and Burke saw something in her that was worth risking his career for. Burke. Shepherd can't help but think that if their roles were reversed, Burke would be doing something besides standing there waiting.

Just on the other side of the desk sits Bailey rubbing the side of her forehead as she leans back in a chair. She too is trying to absorb everything that has happened today. She's always trusted Burke to do the right thing and he's never disappointed her. In the past year, she has grown to like him even more as he started to shed some of that arrogance that she hated so much.

"Are the two of you blind or stupid?" Bailey's hushed voice is serious and heavy with disappointment as she shakes her head at Shepherd and Webber.

"What?" Webber is caught off guard by the sharpness of her tone.

Bailey glances over to check on Cristina before standing up to confront Shepherd and Webber "That girl is scared to death. She is gonna lose it and when she does it ain't gonna be pretty. You need to be preparing yourselves for that, not admiring how much control the she has." Bailey's words are a mix of frustration and anger fueled by her own feelings of helplessness and worry.

Looking once more at Cristina, Webber sees that she resembles a student awaiting her punishment with her hands tightly folded in her lap and a vacant expression on her face. Again he is reminded that, in times of crisis, his mind sometimes shows him what he wants to see instead of what is actually there. "I hope that you're wrong because it's only going to get harder. The police can't wait any longer to speak with her."

Cristina is relieved that no one is trying to talk to her, comfort her. She is too overwhelmed by her own raging thoughts to deal with that. Waiting, her mind is unable to stop replaying things that she does not understand, these feelings that are dominating her mind. She is no good with feelings, her own or anyone else's. That's why she chose medicine because it is logical, it makes sense. Since moving to Seattle, she has learned to accept certain things that she did not understand like her loyalty to the other interns, Burke loving her and even her falling so quickly in love with Burke but the things that happened today she cannot understand. Nothing about Burke coming back to Seattle Grace without the heart makes any sense in her head and yet all of these things have changed her life. At this moment, the only thing she does understand is that everything is different. Everything feels different and it will never feel like it did before, she will never feel like she did before.

Meredith is becoming impatient as the minutes they've waited feel like hours. Knowing that there's very little she can do for Cristina right now, all she can do is sit with her and watch as her tightly clasped hands shake. Cristina had not said a word choosing instead to retreat into the familiarity of her own mind. She's never seen her friend like this, even after losing the baby she wasn't like this because Cristina knew she'd recover. The only other time Meredith remembers seeing Cristina helpless was during the bomb incident, and, even then, she never stopped fighting. Of course, Meredith was never quite sure if she was fighting for Burke or with him but she continued to fight, to stay close to him believing that things would turn out okay. Cristina is the toughest intern in their group, the one that nobody doubts will make it through her residency, the one that everyone perceives as cold, the last one anyone would expect to trust her heart to someone.

Seeing the three surgeons in front of them, Meredith can wait no longer, "When will we know something? How come they can't tell you what's going on?"

Hesitant to answer Meredith's question, Webber and Shepherd exchange looks.

"What? Is there something else you're not telling us?" Meredith cannot imagine what else there can be to say or what more Cristina can stand to hear.

Cristina is having trouble focusing on anything and the voices around her are background noise to the loudness of her own thoughts. Burke would pray but she doesn't believe in prayer, she believes in science. She believes in the science that is useless to her at the moment she needs help the most.

Clearing his throat, Webber directs his attention to Cristina as he speaks, "Part of the wreckage was on fire after the crash." He has known this since the beginning but saying it here reminded him of the horrorof Preston's situation.

"On fire?" Meredith laughs in shock as she repeats his words.

The Chief continues with sadness in his voice, "They are having difficulty finding the passengers because of the wreckage."

Biting the inside of her mouth more intensely, Cristina is silent as the word 'fire' cuts through her like a knife. She wants to scream that they aren't sure, that they don't know but she knows that's not true. They are sure, they do know and it doesn't matter, she feels like nothing matters now. The crash is one thing but a fire. Passengers can't survive a fire. What had she said so many times? She liked to fix mangled parts so they were almost as good as new. She didn't want Burke to be almost like new she wanted Burke. Sitting there, she wonders what kind of doctor talks that way about patients. Burke was right.

"That is why the officer is here. He needs to know if Preston has any distinguishing marks." The Chief always calls him Preston never Burke. He hopes he will have the opportunity to say it to him again. He hopes that the stubborn surgeon he cares so much for will be stubborn enough to survive this latest challenge.

Cristina's mind smiles while her face remains unchanged as she thinks of Burke, and how she's traced his body a thousand times. For a few moments, she can think of nothing else.

"Cristina?"

Hearing the question and Dr. Bailey calling her name, Cristina knows that they are waiting for her to answer but remains silent afraid of what will happen if she tries.

Bailey takes the seat on the other side of Cristina, covers the intern's folded hands with her own and, feeling them shaking, gently presses against them to steady her, "Cristina, can you think of any distinguishing marks on Dr. Burke?"

Swallowing hard, she chokes on her words as she pushes them out of her mouth so quietly that they are barely audible, "A tattoo…on his right arm." Staring down at the floor, a single tear slides down her cheek just as she is done speaking.

This is a Cristina that is unrecognizable to those around her. A Cristina that is so fragile, she appears as if she will shatter, not from a single touch, but from a single word. As surgeons, they are used to putting people back together but schools, internship, residency does not teach them how to put anyone's emotions back together especially not their own.

The officer stands in front of them and Bailey, fighting to maintain her own composure, takes a deep breath "Right, the tattoo."

"We've been fighting. We were arguing before he got on the helicopter." Cristina knows that her words have nothing to do with Burke's tattoo and is surprised that she let them escape.

Bailey glances at the officer and squeezing her intern's hands more tightly tries to focus her, "What kind of tattoo, Cristina?"

She could have told them the story of how he got it. She knows all of his stories. For the first time since she sat down, Cristina looks at Bailey's face, answering the question with a tiny smile on her face, "A cougar…a cougar on his right arm. I need some air."

Immediately, Cristina pushes past the officer and heads outside, fighting her instinct to run as she holds back her tears. Meredith starts to follow her but is stopped by Bailey. "Give her some time Grey."

This is one thing Meredith is not willing to do because she is confident that now is the time to talk to Cristina and is determined not to let her be alone. "Time? She doesn't need time. She needs a person to tell her that things are going to be okay. Can any of you do that for her?"

The three surgeons stare at her blankly knowing that nobody can tell Cristina Yang that things will be okay.

"No, I didn't think so." Meredith turns to walk away.

"Meredith we're all upset."

"Yes, we're all upset but that is his girlfriend not your intern. It's the woman Burke lives with, the woman he wakes up to every morning, the woman he is in love with. Burke's family is who just walked out those doors not a surgical intern."

"Meredith we know." The Chief has known Preston for years, through his fellowship and the acceptance of an attending position at Grace. He was sure that Burke would replace him as Chief of Surgery one day. He had his doubts earlier but, lately, he was certain.

Meredith is frustrated that they are wasting time talking to her when she should be outside helping Cristina, "With all due respect sir I don't think you do. I don't think you have any idea who she is. Cristina is not as cold as you think she is, she is not who you think she is. You see a cold, competent, ambitious intern who will be Chief Resident one day but you don't see her."

Meredith starts to walk away from them and is stopped again by Bailey "You stay, I'll go. She'll need you more when we find out what condition Dr. Burke is in."

"But Dr. Bailey," Meredith wants to be there for Cristina and she knows that Bailey is right, but, she is unsure if Bailey can help Cristina or if Cristina will even let her help.

"Let me do this for Cristina." Looking into Bailey's eyes, Meredith's doubts are washed away by the genuine concern she sees.

Barely out the doors of the ER, Cristina runs across the driveway and throws up. Her mind is racing telling her that she cannot deal with this. She was supposed to be breaking up with him. He can't leave her, she's the one who was supposed to leave him. He can't leave her after he made her fall in love with him, made her move in with him. How did she get this attached so quickly? She knew better than to get attached too soon, and, he was too soon. He is not what she planned for her first year of internship and now here she stands needing him. What happened to that person who didn't need anyone? That Cristina would be useful right about now instead of this one that believed his promises. The promises that he made with every kiss, every look and that she believed because he gave her no reason not to. He really loved her and she knew it. Hearing it had terrified her, then accepting it gave her a sense of happiness and safety.

Cristina leans her forehead against the cold brick wall blocking out the world as the raindrops mix with the tears running down her face. She cannot decide which is worse waiting or knowing.

Today is much worse than the day of the bomb. She did not feel powerless then because she knew Burke had some control and she was there with him. At least she felt like they had choices that day. Today, there are no choices, no control. They were fighting then too and she got stuck with Shepherd while Meredith was assigned to Burke's surgery. When she heard the explosion she raced out of Shepherd's OR without a word, preparing herself that someone she loved could be hurt or dead. Turning the corner she saw Meredith on the floor but no sign of Burke until he stepped into the hallway. Seeing him, she'd never felt more relieved in her life, even when he yelled at her for still being there, and she kept looking up at him as they examined Meredith. Once they were sure Meredith was okay, Burke went back into the OR saying simply to take care of her. That was him, making sure that other people were okay, that she was okay.

"You should wait inside." Bailey yells from under the extended roof of the ER.

Cristina takes a deep breath before turning to face her resident. Leaning against the wall, she is grateful that Bailey is too far away to see her tears "I'm fine."

"And I'm the Pope. Get your butt over here and out of the rain! I am still your resident and I will not be happy if I have to get wet. Do you hear me?"

Bailey is trying her best to stay firm but it is hard for her to do right now. In her mind, there is no question that Cristina and Burke's relationship is something special. It had to be because Preston Burke was not a man who fell in love easily, and, shehad a lot of respect for Burke and for his choices. He never said a word to her but she and everyone else knew Burke risked his career for Cristina. They all saw the Grey Shepherd train wreck and if Burke wanted to be with her after that then she had to be more than a fling. Risking their careers, reputations, they were both too controlled to do that on a whim, and, a man like Preston Burke endures that because he intends to build a future.

"You're not going to help anyone by getting pneumonia." Bailey yells at Cristina as she makes her way over to her.

Cristina brushes her face wiping away tears and rain, "It's not raining that hard."

Standing so close, Bailey can clearly see Cristina's eyes already red from crying and she wonders if Burke knows just how much her intern loves him. She wonders if Cristina knew before today.

"Cristina this is bad, you know that, we all know that." Bailey is speaking slowly so that Cristina can focus and understand exactly what she is saying. What she has to say is nothing Cristina doesn't already know but sometimes things don't seem real to a person until they're said out loud.

"Yes," Cristina bites her lip.

Bailey pauses before continuing, "He might not make it to the hospital alive."

"I understand that." Her answer is laced with defensiveness. The situation is bad enough without Bailey telling her what she already knows might be true.

"And if he is the survivor his injuries will be extensive. Dr. Burke will probably look very bad when he arrives."

"Yes," Cristina's eyes quickly move from Bailey's face to the ground as she begins to cry.

Bailey steps closer to Cristina, "Look at me. You need to prepare yourself. We all do."

Looking at her mentor, Cristina silently curses why wiping her tears away does not make them stop then challenges Bailey, "I am a doctor. I see trauma patients everyday."

"True but you've never seen your boyfriend as the trauma patient. I know that we are asking you to be strong, but we are all here for you. There's not a damn thing that you need to prove Cristina."

She maintains eye contact for a moment before looking down at her feet taking a deep breath as she thinks how weird it sounds hearing Bailey refer to Burke as her boyfriend for the first time. There was always something for her to prove, even now, she is trying to prove to herself that she can handle this without falling apart. This time, if she falls apart, she knows he might not be there to help her put the pieces back together.

"Loving someone is hard, harder than any of us realize or half of us wouldn't bother. It's scary to wake up one day and realize that you need someone more than you thought was possible and, even worse, can't remember what life was like before you needed him."

Cristina looks up only when she feels Bailey's hand touch her shoulder "Come inside. You can do this, we can do this."

Wiping her face, Cristina slowly walks back inside followed by Dr. Bailey. So much has changed and everything looks so normal. The ER continues to run. Life goes on. She walks over to the desk and listens with the other surgeons as the paramedic's garbled voice comes through on the radio saying that the crash victims are enroute to Seattle Grace. Waiting to hear more news, she's quiet thinking how wishing it was not Burke on the helicopter meant wishing that it was someone else. Alex. The pilot. She is ashamed that she didn't care who else as long as it was someone else.

Preoccupied with her own thoughts, she doesn't hear the message over the radio but sees the faint hope once on the faces around her vanish. It's then that she hears it.

"The fatality is an AA male. Late 30s/early 40s." the paramedic's voice is still garbled but clear enough.

The E.R. nurse looks over to see Cristina silently shaking her head no "Any other passengers?"

"No. Just the pilot and the fatality. He coded a few minutes ago."

Bailey, Shepherd and Webber are at the other side of the desk, the shock and disappointment evident on their faces. Cristina watches as Bailey quickly turns and walks away, she assumes, before anyone can see her own tears. They all heard it but she can hear someone asking to repeat what was said. Shaking, her eyes burn and she feels sick as the word 'fatality' echoes in her mind mixed with people saying they are sorry. What was worse waiting or knowing? For once, she wished she did not have an answer. Cristina hears more and more words being said that she cannot make out. Too much talking, too many voices, too many empty words.

"He's a donor and his blood type is O." Cristina isn't speaking to anyone in particular as she forces her voice to be loud enough that someone hears her words amongst the commotion. Her voice is loud but comes out soft unlike what anyone is used to hearing from her.

"What?" Shepherd looks at her, amazed that, even in this moment, she is focused on being a doctor. This is the Cristina Yang they know. Watching from across the room Meredith sends her friend a reassuring smile thinking that this is the Cristina she knows too but her reason is different than Derek's.

"He might be a match." She pauses, feeling pain as she says the words, she cannot bring herself to say his name, "He might be a match for Denny."

Without waiting for any response, Cristina turns around and walks away letting her tears flow freely knowing what they all must be thinking. That she is cold, that she is uncaring, that she is heartless but that's not it. Burke was coming back so Denny would have a heart. It's what he wanted. This is the only thing she can give him now, the last thing she can do for her boyfriend.


	4. Chapter 4

"I can't breathe."

"What?"

"I feel like I can't breathe" Cristina is sitting on the floor leaning against the wall with her eyes closed. She has no idea what time it is, and, with her eyes closed it seems less real to her. She could just think of him, good images of him.

Meredith looks over at Cristina. She's been waiting, waiting for Cristina to start speaking but now isn't sure what to say to her. Almost an hour has passed since she followed Cristina to the empty OR, and, most of that time was spent in silence.

"I know I'm breathing but I feel like I can't." Cristina's chest feels tight. At first she'd cried, silent tears then harder sobs. Meredith had comforted her, silently just by putting an arm around her. Now her head hurts and she feels empty. He was the one who was dead, but sitting there she feels lifeless. Gone was her spunk, her anger, her passion for medicine. At that moment, the thought of scalpels and surgeries is making her nauseous as she imagines Denny receiving Burke's heart in a nearby OR.

Cristina knows she can't stay in the OR but also knows that enough time hadn't passed to make her forget her pain, his pain, and, she doesn't know what to do. For once in her life, she doesn't have a plan and it is paralyzing her so she sits. She sits and waits, knowing that there's nothing left to wait for, that she'll never be waiting for him again.

"You don't need to stay," she appreciates Meredith being there but it's awkward. Meredith is her best friend. The two of them are her best friends but now there's just Meredith. Earlier was the first time that she'd cried in front of someone other than Burke since she lost the baby. She's not used to this. This is not how she's used to acting, this is not the person she's used to being.

"Stop trying to get rid of me. I've got nowhere to be" Meredith is prepared for Cristina's attempt to get rid of her. When she found her in the hallway, she just walked with her and they ended up here. It's the OR they were in the day of the Code Black when she observed an intimate moment between Burke and Cristina. It was the moment Burke told her to leave and Cristina told him in her own way that she loved him.

"Don't say you're sorry." She hates people saying they are sorry especially when it's not their fault. She'll never understand why people don't realize that those apologies are meaningless.

"Okay," Meredith has a slight smile on her face hearing Cristina's words which sound so normal when so many things had changed.

"Don't say it'll be okay." Cristina knows that it's not okay, she's not okay. All the things that aren't okay have been attacking her mind since she first heard about the accident.

Meredith turns to look at Cristina who is looking back at her as she bites her nails, "Okay, I won't."

Silence. Neither of them would ever list conversation as their favorite thing to do and they understand the silence between them. They understand that silence has a purpose and a limit.

Meredith lets a few minutes pass before speaking again, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," talking about him and the crash is the last thing Cristina wants to do because it will just hurt more and she can't imagine the hurt being any worse.

"You're going to have to talk about it at some point. You can't hold all of it in forever." Meredith knows that both she and Cristina tend to repress their feelings so that they can move on and forget about what's happened but Burke's death is not something either of them will be able to forget. They have to deal with it and Cristina will need a lot of help whether or not she's willing to accept it.

"Mer, not now" Cristina sniffs, wiping away the tears slowly rolling down her face and squeezes her eyes shut as uses her hands to cover her face. She is fighting to hold herself together because he isn't there. After the baby, he helped her, took away so much of her pain, of her heartache just by holding her that night. She isn't even sure that he ever knew how much he helped her just by not being afraid to be there for her. She can't let herself fall apart, she can't because he isn't there to help her put back the pieces. The first time she ran to him, she surprised herself and then it became easier to run towards him when she needed something. Every time she needed something, she ran to him and he helped her just by holding her, talking to her, loving her. Now he's gone forever, and, the loneliness that she is beginning to feel is already much worse than any loneliness she'd felt before he came into her life.

"Okay, later." Meredith doesn't know what else to say. Part of her wishes that that Izzie or George was with them. They are a good team and, together, they would know what to say, they would know how to help.

"I never told him I loved him," Cristina removes her hands from her face to reveal tears filling her eyes.

Meredith is afraid that Cristina isn't ready to talk and if she gets upset again she might not be able to calm her down by herself, "Maybe we should talk later."

Breathing shallow breaths, Cristina shakes her head, "I never told him I loved him when he was awake. He didn't know, he died not knowing."

"He knew," this is one thing Meredith is sure of, and, anyone who knew them as a couple would share the same certainty.

Cristina, though, isn't convinced, "He wasn't sure. I was sure because he told me, but B…, he was never sure."

"Cristina, he knew. He knew before you did." Meredith knows that Burke always believed that she loved him, and, she just needed somebody to help her realize it. He brought out the best in Cristina, a different side of Cristina and Cristina did the same for him from the beginning.

"Do you think he suffered?" Cristina never really thought about patients suffering before. Before it was all about what surgical procedure could be performed and how could she get into that OR. Today is a very different day in the OR.

"I don't know." Meredith can't help but notice that Cristina refuses to say 'Burke' since hearing the news.

Shaking her head, Cristina's mind is cloudy wondering if he suffered, if he was scared, if he thought of her, if he really did know how much she loved him. She feels like these thoughts of him are suffocating her, and, she's haunted knowing that she wouldn't have let him come back. If they hadn't been fighting, he would have taken her not Alex and she could've stopped him. Sitting here now, she can't even remember what they were fighting about. The first time she meets his family will be his funeral.

"He told me once that there was nothing that I could reveal to him that he wouldn't want to know. He was telling the truth. He meant it. He meant all of those things. Nobody means something like that." She vividly remembers that night before the quints were born when Burke told her he knew her and that he was ready to walk away. She was scared that night that he would leave her but after she used the key she figured out that he just wanted to know her better and to know that that was okay with her.

Meredith is beginning to think that hanging out at the hospital isn't helping Cristina and that someone will be coming in to claim the OR soon, "We should go?"

"Go where? I can't go back to the apartment." Right now, she really doesn't think she can go home, sleep in their bed without him.

Meredith understands that Cristina might not want to go home tonight but she needs to get her out of the hospital before things get worse. It won't be too much longer before people start looking for them and want to talk to Cristina and she knows that's not what her friend wants, "Well, we can't stay here. We can go to my house or I can stay with you at the apartment."

Cristina shakes her head in agreement, "Where am I going to live?"

"What?"

"If I can't go back to our apartment?"

Caught off guard by Cristina's question, Meredith is silent.

"What if I can't go back there without him? It's bad enough that I have to work here, I can't sleep there." She looks at her friend with pleading eyes thinking how she could never have imagined feeling this way, feeling so lost without him.

Cristina's pager goes off and, after letting it beep longer than usual, she takes it off her waistband throwing it against the wall. This isn't her. Usually she just ignores pages when she wants better surgeries, but, today she wants to ignore that she works in this hospital, this hospital which for the past year held everything she needed within its walls. Today, she didn't even bother to look at it because she wants to forget that she is a surgeon in his hospital where he has gone from a surgeon to an organ donor.

Meredith jumps and Cristina laughs then starts to cry hard and Meredith reaches over to give her a hug. Within minutes, Meredith's pager goes off.

"Want to throw yours?" Cristina has no idea what she will do, where she will go.

"I'd better not," she looks to see who it is, "911 in the ER?"

"Go," Meredith might be her best friend but a 911 page is not to be ignored and Cristina knows it.

"No I'll just call," Meredith is reluctant to leave Cristina not quite sure what she will do.

Cristina touches Meredith's elbow with her hand, "It's fine, go before you get into trouble with Bailey. I'll be fine."

Meredith's really not sure if she should go because technically she is still working and the department is short now but Webber, Shepherd and Bailey know that she is with Cristina, "I'll go on one condition."

"What?"

"Promise me you won't go anywhere." Meredith looks into Cristina's eyes searching for an indication of whether or not she will agree.

Leaning back against the wall, Cristina answers, "Where am I going to go? Home? There's no place to go. I'm fine here."

Meredith stands up, "He loved everything about you. I could always see it in his eyes, it was always there even when he was angry."

"Really," Cristina looks up and Meredith smiles.

"Definitely."

"I love him too," and she did, she does.

"I know. I could always see it in your eyes too." Meredith walks away.

Cristina pulls her knees into her chest and sits waiting for Meredith to come back, wishing that things could be different.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Sitting on the bench, clutching her jacket Cristina struggles against her instinct to run as she waits for Meredith. She wants to leave, to disappear on her bike, to escape to a place she can be alone. She wants to go home, only, there's no home to go to. As a medical student and an intern, she loved staying at the hospital as much as she could, that is, at least until her relationship with him. Still loving the hospital, she discovered that she looked forward to going home to him at the end of the day even more. She enjoyed the work she did and thrived on the long hours but knowing that he'd be there when she got home was special to her. Even on late days, she loved walking in to see him reading, playing his trumpet or sleeping. Seeing him at night always made her feel that things were okay no matter how bad her day was or how bad their fight was. She wipes away the lone tear mourning the loss of those moments. That was yesterday, and, right now she is second guessing herself for ever believing that those moments would last and hating him for leaving her. She understands that the only real truths about people are that they are born, they lie and they leave, and, she has always protected herself except with him. Somehow she forgot with him, and, now all she wants to do is forget him, forget them, forget everything so that she can erase the pain ripping through her.

She lost track of the number of times that she imagined not being his girlfriend. She always knew that she would need a plan if things didn't work out, and, her plan focused on how to co-exist in the same hospital, in the same OR. Sitting there, she realizes that she stopped planning for their breakup the day she gave up her apartment. Even earlier when she said she was breaking up with him, she didn't consider moving out because she knew they weren't breaking up, deep down she knew. They'd been fighting and she was angry, but she knew he wouldn't let it end like that. She smiles remembering how she described Burke to Izzie as sticky on Thanksgiving. She has a short list of things that she depends on, and him not walking away is one of them. As much as she wishes it isn't true, believing he wasn't going away made her feel safe until today. Today she feels like she's falling, falling without anyone to catch her.

"What are you doing in here?" Meredith is actually relieved to find her friend still in the hospital. Before she left for the E.R., Cristina said she would stay and they don't lie to each other. They withhold details but they don't ever lie, not to each other.

From her spot on the bench, Cristina looks over her shoulder at Meredith, "I couldn't stay up there knowing that he was…that he was the donor next door." She is more composed than earlier as she wills the old walls that protected her heart for so long to rise again. It took him and her friends only a few months to tear down those walls that seemed to develop effortlessly over the years, and, now she is frustrated that she cannot instantly rebuild them.

"Cris…"

Cristina stands up slamming the locker door shut and wiping her nose with her sleeve, "It's stupid. The whole thing is stupid. He's supposed to be the one saving lives not dying. Look, can we go now?"

Meredith's heart aches as she catches a glimpse of Cristina's red, pleading eyes, "Cristina…"

Cristina begins pacing, "You know, I didn't keep my apartment because I didn't love him. I kept it because it was the only thing that was still just me, and, I knew I would disappear. I knew I would end up giving up everything, for what, to be an 'us'? What good is an 'us' when there's no him? The key is to never become one but nobody gives you that advice. Everybody says yes go be an 'us' but nobody tells you how hard it is to be a 'you' again when it's over. Why did I have to like being an 'us' so much?"

"Is that true?"

Hearing the question, she stops pacing and turns towards Meredith. Her lips are moving but the room is silent except for her own breathing, "You're…"

"Okay, everything's okay." Dressed in scrubs and a cocky smile, Burke is standing at the other end of the bench. Moving towards Cristina, he sees the anguish etched on her face, and, his smile quickly disappears. Bailey and Meredith told him what happened, tried to prepare him but he imagined that she would be happy to see him, and, is not ready for the sadness all over his favorite face.

Holding her breath, Cristina's eyes dart between her boyfriend and best friend as he walks towards her, his own face, betraying his uncertainty of what to do next. Dropping her jacket, she takes a single step forward before throwing her arms around him and holding him tighter than she ever has.

Burke stumbles, taken off guard by the force of her petite figure and begins to laugh, "Cristina, you're choking me."

"Baby, are you hurt?" With her left hand wrapped firmly around the back of his neck, she uses her other hand to examine his face, arm and chest as her eyes frantically bounce between his face and his body, "You're not hurt? You're not hurt."

Recognizing the trauma that Cristina has been dealing with for the past few hours, Burke is finding it hard to stay calm. Pain is the last thing he'd ever want to cause her, there had already been too much in their short relationship. So many people believe her to be cold, all business but he is one of the few people who know the true Cristina, the Cristina in his arms right now. Pushing aside his own concerns, Burke does his best to reassure her, "It's okay, it's all okay now."

It doesn't go unnoticed by Cristina that Burke is repeating himself, telling her for the second time that things are okay. Normally, this would have irritated her but not today. Today, he can say it a million times and she'll be okay with it. Hearing those words from him, she believes that things will be okay for the first time in too many hours.

Observing Cristina and Burke, Meredith can't resist smiling. When she went to the ER she was stunned to see Burke standing there with Bailey, Webber and Shepherd. She couldn't believe it, nobody could believe it. Meredith was supposed to go back to the OR to get Cristina while Burke went to check on Denny, and, when she got to the OR the room was empty. Meredith panicked, unsure if Cristina left the hospital and knowing that the longer it took for her to find Cristina, the longer she would think that Burke was dead. After checking the gallery, several on-call rooms and the basement, they were relieved to find her in the locker room. Denny would not be getting his heart today but Burke fixed Cristina's heart with just one word, and, Meredith is grateful for that. Confident Cristina is right where she needs to be, Meredith slips out without a word.

Cristina's eyes are fixed on Burke's face afraid her mind is playing tricks on her, and, he will disappear again if she looks away, "What happened? I thought, I thought you were on the helicopter."

"No, I missed it. There was a problem with Izzie getting Denny's labs so I called George to check on her and the labs. By the time I got up to the helipad, the helicopter was already on its way back for another run so I ran downstairs and hopped in an ambulance doing a transport this way. I turned my cell phone off to buy time hoping that they wouldn't decide on the heart until they spoke to me. I knew there was something wrong here, and, if Denny qualified for the heart, Dr.Hahn could do the harvest and Alex could transport it back."

In spite of her relief, Cristina doesn't like not understanding what happened, "But they said you were on it. Alex didn't know."

"It was a mistake. Everything happened so quickly I didn't speak with Karev after the helicopter left. I just knew I needed to get back to Seattle Grace. It's okay, I'm okay, I'm here now." Holding onto her waist, he cannot recall ever seeing her look at him for such a long time. He can tell that she is still trying to hide some of her emotions but she cannot hide the fear that is so deeply fixed in her own eyes. Learning about the crash and the mix up, reminded him of his own mortality. He knows that he should have been on that helicopter and is only here holding her right now because this is where he's supposed to be. Waiting to see Cristina, he thought not about his life but their life, and promised himself not to waste anymore time.

"Why didn't you answer your pages?" Cristina feels like the questions coming out of her mouth are beyond her control. This isn't important now, he's here and that's all that's important yet she can't stop the words.

He smiles at her embarrassed, "Batteries. Enough questions?"

"You could've called me. I would've helped you." Cristina looks down at Burke's chest, immediately, regretting her words. She isn't sure she really wants to talk about this. She already knows that he thinks George is better at medicine than her, and, she doesn't need to hear him say it.

Dreading this part, Burke hesitates, "I didn't know exactly what was going on and I thought that O'Malley…"

Looking up with a pout on her face and hurt in her eyes, Cristina pushes away from him, "You thought that George would be more help. That's great! First, you don't pick me to go on the transport then you don't trust me to help you with Izzie."

Burke puts his hands up in front of him, "Why are you yelling?"

Without warning she slaps him and walks away leaving him rubbing his face with a view of her back. Her face hidden, her emotions overcome her again. Not only is she embarrassed that she just hit her boyfriend and is picking a fight but she can't believe that she's crying again. He's fine, there's nothing to cry over.

Burke grabs her shoulders and Cristina closes her eyes remembering how she thought she'd never feel his touch again. As his hands pull her, she leans back letting her body melt into his. She doesn't want him to see her like this, not again because what if it isn't real, what if he doesn't stay.

Burke turns Cristina around and, before she can look away, sees the tears streaming down her face as she bites her lip trying to stop their flow. Gripping her shoulders, he is amazed that she looks so vulnerable, so innocent, so tired. He remembers the pain he saw in her eyes when he chose Alex on the helipad. He and Alex barely spoke during the ride to Mercy West as his thoughts were focused on everything she'd told him with her eyes in that moment. Earlier it was betrayal and now looking at her he sees a different, deeper pain.

His voice is firmer now, "George is Izzie's best friend and I thought that he would be able to calm her down. I wasn't sure that I wanted to put you in that situation. "

Too exhausted to control her defenses or her tears any longer, Cristina struggles to speak, "I thought you died."

"Look at me. I'm fine. I'm here." Looking down at her, she looks fragile to him. He can count on one hand the times he's seen her look like this.

"It was terrible. I didn't know what to do. Your family, the apartment, I didn't know what to do."

"I'm here, you don't have to do anything." Not able to think of any other words to reassure her, Burke pulls her close to him stroking her hair as she cries. He wishes he could erase the past few hours for her but knows that's impossible.

Feeling his body against hers, Cristina is thankful to be there with him but knows that there is one more thing she needs to do, "I love you"

"I know," Burke smiles without releasing his hold on her.

Sniffling, Cristina leans her head back so that she can see his face, "You do?"

This is one of those times when looking into her eyes is bittersweet because it made a part of him feel sad. Sad because those eyes make him think that she is not sure of herself, of him, of them. "Yes, but it makes me happy to hear you say it."

"Me too. I still need you."

As she rests her head on his chest, Cristina can't see the tear rolling down Burke's face but smiles knowing that she's landed safely once again.


End file.
